Tuesday, May 08, 2012

The Obamanization of Julia

I’ve decided to take one for the team. Yes, I actually clicked through the Obama campaign’s insufferable “Julia” slide show. I hope you all appreciate it.

As you might expect, the Obamunists got it all wrong. Julia’s actual life bears little resemblance to the one the world improvers envisioned for her. To wit:

Julia’s Headstart teacher includes Old Testament stories and the Parables of Christ in her lesson plans. As Julia’s mother and the other parents espouse some version of cultural Christianity or other, they have no reason to object to this injection of religion, but word gets back to the HHS bureaucrats, who report it to the BATF and FBI Child Protection Units. Julia barely escapes with her life when the aforementioned Waco Killers assault the erstwhile school building, now transmogrified into a “compound,” with flash-bang grenades and CS gas.

AGE 17
Lush funding of the “public” schools does little to advance Julia’s education. She absorbs a handful of memes surrounding Father Abraham, the Greatest Generation and the role government plays in saving the free market from economic calamity, but her verbal, quantitative and critical-thinking skills go sorely lacking. She earns a meaningless high school diploma.

AGE 18
Despite poor high school grades and standardized test scores, Julia’s disadvantaged status qualifies her for a Pell Grant and admission to a respectable public university. Lacking the requisite academic preparation, she drops out halfway through her sophomore year. The public sees no return on its “investment” in her higher education.

AGE 22
Obama’s “free” healthcare results in overuse of services. Medical licensing continues to restrict market entry. Increased demand and diminished supply can only mean one thing: healthcare costs skyrocket. In the face of massive budget deficits, HHS institutes increased copays and deductibles. Julia puts off treatment for Type II diabetes and succumbs to gangrene. Her foot is amputated.

AGE 23
The Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act does nothing to enhance Julia’s salary. Not only does she lack the requisite skills to secure employment as a web designer, but the Act has deemed her work as an administrative assistant less valuable than that of the left-handed homosexual Eskimo toiling in the mail room.

AGE 25
The massive budget deficits worsen under bipartisan welfare-warfare spending. The Department of Education reneges on its promise to cap Julia’s loan repayments and interest rates. Julia moves back home with her mom to help make ends meet.

AGE 27
Julia finds that suitors are few and far between for semi-literate one-footed women living with their mothers. Access to taxpayer-funded contraception becomes a moot point.

AGE 31
Julia eventually meets a young man and gets pregnant. Her maternal care and paid leave funded by government largesse, her boyfriend has little incentive to remain in her or her baby’s life. Neither Julia nor the baby ever sees the cad again.

AGE 37
Julia sends her son to the local government school. He’s taunted and beaten by a classmate on the playground. Cognizant of their mission to educate the entire public, the government school principal and teacher decide not to discipline the bully. The taunting and beating continue.

AGE 42
Its budget in the red, the Social Security Administration seizes Julia’s IRA and 401(k) accounts. As she has no other savings or investments, tax breaks and Small Business Administration loans are not sufficient for her to launch her business. Julia remains stuck in her dead-end clerk’s job.

AGE 65
In celebration of her 65th birthday, and her eligibility for Social Security and Medicare, Julia boards a plane bound for Hawaii. She is finally embarking on her lifelong dream vacation! Somewhere over Ohio, the airliner is hijacked by Muslim extremists harboring stygian rage at decades of U.S. bombing and blockading of their co-religionists in the Middle East.

Julia dies as her airliner crashes into Chicago’s Willis Tower. Unlike Winston Smith, she never gets her chance to love Big Daddy Gov.


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