Rand Paul and the Teabaggers are racist, homophobic and no doubt anti-Semitic. Even their slavish devotion to Israel is more a reflection of their anti-Islamic prejudices than any admiration for the Jewish people. But not even this zany band of haters can shake a stick at the Amish.

The Amish, you ask? Yes, the Amish! Oh sure, they come off as decent and folksy and quaint with their simplified lifestyles and dignified ways. But they're separatists! They contribute to their community and their community alone—building homes, raising barns, and tilling the soil for each other, educating their segregated Amish young in their segregated Amish schools. Do you see these muscular mystics contributing to the black or Catholic or gay communities? Fat chance! They openly disassociate from those communities! They discriminate against them!

I'm all in favor of freedom of religion and the First Amendment and all that crap, but how did a church that practices such invidious discrimination ever secure its BATF approval? Letting the Amish run free in our midst—where they freely choose not to run free in our midst—is a sure recipe for Balkanization. Armed camps are bound to spring up, and we'll be at each other's throat — killing, stealing, and raping without end. It's an outrage, I tell you!

Do you hear me, federales? We want dynamic entry, psy-ops, tanks, CS gas and flash-bang grenades! We want Showtime! If the Department of Imperial Mischief ... er, uh ... Defense can shrug off the Vietnam Syndrome, isn't it about time you guys shrug off Ruby Ridge and Waco? Now get out there and bash some Amish heads!