Talking Cows at Moo U

 According to Medieval European lore, farm animals acquire the gift of speech on Christmas Eve. Christmas is a magical time, true enough, but I'd long been skeptical So I drove to the Dairy Science Dept.'s cow pastures off Hagadorn Road on the Michigan State University campus last night to verify.

Arriving at 11: 55 p.m., I approached a Holstein standing near the fence and tried to strike up a conversation. It didn't even occur to me that her hardness of heart had left her irredeemably blind, deaf, and dumb. As Christmas meant nothing to her, I got no response. 

I tried the Hereford next to her. I knew I had a small window of opportunity. The faculty of speech is ephemeral, vanishing into the ether after midnight on Christmas, and I certainly didn't want to wait another year before posing my question. 

"What say you, Betsy? Do the gasses emitted by ruminants such as yourself have something to do with global warming, aka climate change, aka Watermelon Communism?" 

"Nay!" came Betsy's response. For a second there, I thought I was talking to horse. She went on: "Whatever global warming you humans are experiencing is generated by your bloviating politicians. They're full of hot air." 

Imagine my chagrin. I'm a libertarian. I should have known.